When communicating with your partner do you end up feeling unheard and frustrated? Do you generally end up in conflict? You can transform your relationship by making simple and consistent changes in your self-talk. Understanding that your adult suffering and conflicts are a direct result of your childhood upbringing and beliefs is key to healthy communication. You must understand the way that you perceive the world. Once you understand your unique perception of the world, acceptance of self and others comes naturally. Acceptance of self and others is the key to healthy communication in any relationship.
6 Tips to Transforming your Relationships
Know Your Self Talk
Self-talk refers to the subconscious thoughts that were programmed in our childhood. It is imperative to understand your childhood in order to understand your adult thoughts. It is unfortunate that the negative things we heard as children, such as “you are stupid”, “you are ugly”, “you are rude”, etc. play out in our adult actions. For example, if you are in a relationship and your partner says or does something that you perceive implies you are stupid it will trigger you and your behaviour will be reactive. In most relationships 90% of conflict comes from not knowing what is hidden within our own subconscious minds. It is impossible for any partner to hurt you to the core. Observe; any deep hurt you feel in a conflict has its roots in your childhood.
Be Mindful of Your Partner
Happy couples are those who do not see their partner as an extension of themselves. Instead they see their partners as individuals. In a relationship your partner is not required to love you. The only person required to love you is you. When you cultivate self-love it will naturally vibrate to your partner and conflict will cease to exist. Many people feel their partner should share their goals and dreams. This is not so. We can have our individuality and still have healthy relationships with our partners. Suffering and conflict in relationships arise because partners want to share everything, do everything together, etc. This does not work for all people and can actually cause a relationship to lose its luster. Always remember; you were attracted to your partner because they were an individual and not an extension of you. If you find yourself wishing that your partner was everything you want them to be then you are heading for a life of suffering. Instead, understand your partner as they are. Of course, understanding of others only comes when you first learn to understand yourself.
Maintain an Attitude of Authenticity
When you initially start dating your partner all is good. Often, we are on our best behavior; kind, considerate and accommodating. We dress with care and we generally show much concern and friendship to our partner.
As time passes this initial excitement begins to fade and can leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty. Many simply get bored. This happens because your partner begins to see your fake side. Authenticity means you are comfortable to be yourself from the beginning to the end of the partnership. When we start dating, we must consider why we feel the need to hide our authentic selves in order to receive attention, appreciation and approval.
Know Your Stuff versus Your Partner’s Stuff
It is essential in all relationships to maintain a balance between your reactive behaviour and your core behaviour.
Reactive behaviour refers to those moments when you are triggered. Anytime you are triggered know it is a subconscious feeling coming from your childhood. As long as there is disruption in your body then it is yours to own. You spot it you got it.
As an example, if you say your partner is judgmental aren’t you actually judging your partner in that moment? How can you criticize your partner for being judgmental when in fact you are guilty of the same behaviour? You can only see in your partner that which is carefully hidden within you. I have yet to meet anyone that pointed a finger at another who wasn’t guilty of said behaviour.
Core behaviour is that deep goodness and understanding that we all have. Tapping into this in times of conflict brings out our authenticity. Authenticity cultivates self-confidence and willpower.
Release the Need to Control
Conflict arises in a relationship when you subconsciously feel that events are not going in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Our childhood programming causes us to subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror our early experiences. In this way, our programming causes us to perceive life not from a place of clarity but instead from a place of conditioned behaviour. When our relationships don’t match our earlier programming, it makes us uncomfortable and thus we subconsciously try to control and manipulate the relationships.
Seek to find similarities in a relationship. Similarities unite and comparisons divide. The more you compare your behaviour to your partner’s behaviour the more suffering you will endure. Does conflict not arise because of comparisons? Instead of blaming your partner, look to your past and observe where you learned to compare and divide.
Each and every one of us should respect the individuality of the other. Any attempt to control your partner is identify theft. When you push a person to act in a way that makes you comfortable you are stealing their identity.
If in fact the person is truly abusive then the onus is still on you to make choices that are supportive to you. We are each responsible for our individual selves.
Get a Mentor
Mentors can be an incredibly useful resource to guide you through the highs and lows in your relationships. Mentors, such as Guru Ashta-deb, can help you and your partner communicate more effectively with each other.
Ashta Ashram, under the guidance of Guru Ashta-deb, is a place where you can participate in self-healing workshops designed to create shifts in awareness and restore you to a healthy, happy state. This in turn helps to transform your relationships with others. Guru Ashta-deb is an Intuitive Empath Healer specializing in alleviating mental health suffering through Subconscious Awareness. Ashta-deb has the ability to innately feel your suffering and quickly understand the roots of your conflict.
Ashta-deb is available for group events and workshops that teach people how to cope with the challenges that arise with family, friends and coworkers. She shares her own personal journey in her memoir Life Happens to Us: A True Story.
Why trust Ashta-deb to help you? She has opened people’s eyes to healthy relationship building, and has experience dealing with highly sensitive topics and situations. She has helped many people step out of their comfort zones so that they can fully understand the root of their relationship conflicts and take the steps necessary to promote comfort and harmony.
Begin the transformation of your relationships by registering for a membership on her website, or sign up for upcoming retreats, workshops, and seminars. Ashta-deb looks forward to guiding and supporting you in your journey.
Image credit: iStock.com/VidorHsu
Intuitive Empath Healer Alleviating Mental Health Suffering through Subconscious Awareness